i guess im 27 now

 and i have had many struggles in my life.. but i think this year hits quite hard on me. 

i guess maybe its the quarter life crisis hormones.. bcs i cant stop thinking and imagining about being loved. 

im afraid however this struggle has chosen me. 

i have to live with the fact that i might not be loved or receive romantic love ever.. 

its hard to wrap my head around it

when ive finally managed to embrace that im visually unfavourable, and now i have to embrace that im unlovable

bcs i thought if i were to ever have any ounce of charm in me, it would be my personality. but after countless failed 'talking stages'.. i guess its not? it's sad to realise i dont even have that in the bag.  shattered my world view quite a bit. i know i didnt quite like how i look but i do like if someone behaves exactly like me. i would always wanna be my friend. but not everyone wants to be. maybe my real friends just tolerate me. 

life is quite depressing isnt it

Dear Soulmate - Laufey

 Will I meet you at a party?

Sit next to you on a plane?

Maybe I already know you and love you
But will fall in love some day

Dear soulmate
Do you think of me? 'Cause I do
Do you have green eyes or are they brown like mine?
Do you have a sister too?
Dear soulmate
One day I'll give this song to you

love? ugh.

 I have utterly forgotten about this blog, have I. No posts for a year? wow.. 

Well, crowny, you wouldn't believe it. Since I started working, I've fallen in love TWO TIMES! Unbelievable! Well, not gonna lie.. it might be three times now.. my heart desperately wants it to work but my brain says i will end up broken hearted, just like every. single. time. And I believe my brain more, really. 

I also couldn't believe that my sisters are all grown up now. Both of them have boyfriends too, duh?? pretty and clever girls, who wouldn't wanna date them right? Truly happy for them but also, I'm feeling a bit of melancholy in my chest, being like.. I'm the eldest.. wasn't I suppose to experience it first? Is there something wrong with me? (there probably is, Maddy). 

Then I spiral into deep thoughts where I doubt myself again, over and over, questioning this and that. Criticising every single cell in my body. I spent so much time and money going to therapy sessions just to 'try' to love myself and learn to accept who I am but then I have these days where I'm just feeling miserable and cheerless. Do I have anything on me to love? I'm living perfectly fine on my own but why do I long for someone else? It's really embarrassing to think about. 

Welp, I guess I'll just have to update you when it happens. As a hopeless romantic, there is still an ever-blooming flower in my heart that keeps me hopeful that one day, she can rely on someone to water her soil and shower her with compliments. And one day, maybe one day, she wouldn't be alone anymore.