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Friday, January 8, 2021

Same ol' same ol'

 So.. it's 2021 now huh? I'm 24 this year? Now I'm one of those people in their mid twenties and having a quarter life crisis. Oh my goddddd I hate this so much. Time is just, so mysterious. It heals all wound but at the same time injures. Oh how I wish it just stops for like idk.. a month? so that I can grasp everything that's in front of me. My life is now just a blur of faded memories. I'm so scared that 10 years from now I won't even remember this moment. I won't even remember what it feels like to live in Germany. 

So I'm supposed to finish my Bachelors Degree in 2 months. Can you even believe that? It feels like just last year I flew to Germany for the first time (blog post here) now I'm almost finished? What have I gained for 4 years... hmm weight? 10 kilos of that for sure. German proficiency? Not so much :/ Friends? Lol, in my dreams. Hmm,. I have no idea. And I totally have no idea how I got here either. How did I pass all those exams? I just winged them honestly. Yet somehow God helped me pass them all. I'm not gonna be self-centered and say I worked hard for it. I did have a lot of hard times, sure, but my efforts are not even half of what my other classmates/ batchmates went through. I got lucky so many times, I really have to thank Allah for that. Now I want to do Masters?? Ahahaha what a joke 웃기고 있네.

It's just so sad that even when everything is okay, there's just this void feeling, this longing for the lost times. And I can't do anything except walk down memory lane. I know, it can't be helped. Life goes on. If it's gonna happen, it will happen, right? Not even one second late.

Hmm,.. que sera sera.

Friday, December 18, 2020

Down

 Sigh,

I know people change, and I hate to admit it, as much as I want to not change at all, be it my innocence or my moral compass, I changed too. And it's for the worse. 

For the last 4 years, nobody complimented me for reading so many books, for being so brave, or for being clever. Now I can't even associate myself with intelligence, because I am really convinced that my brain is smooth as silk. Not wrinkled whatsoever. They say the more wrinkled your brain is the cleverer you are right? But me? nahh I don't use my head anymore nowadays bruh. 

I'm appalled at the fact that I can't do math anymore. I forgot all about integration and Laplace Transformations and whatever else you study and I have 0 interests in them. If 15 year old me met 23 year old me, she wouldn't believe we're the same person. 23 year old me is mean and unfriendly, not to mention, she has bad skin too, ugh. 

Why am I suddenly writing this? Well, it's because I've been feeling useless for quite some time now. Since I started becoming a university student. Is being in Germany actually good or bad for me? For SEVEN FREAKING SEMESTERS I've done nothing but 'menunggang' group projects, waste time and gain weight. I don't even know how I got this far. I'm amazed at myself for succeeding in staying alive while doing the bare minimum. I am so scared that when I go back to Malaysia, these behaviours are going to stick with me. I don't wanna be who I am now. I hate who I am now. I want to change for the better too, but I am so so busy with everything that's going on, deadlines everywhere, I don't have time for anything. I just hope that everything passes and surely, someday, I'll come back to my senses.  

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

The terrifying 23

 Being in your early twenties, I think this is the part of life where you feel you're young and old at the same time. In the life spectrum if humans live averagely for 90 years, I'm only 25% there but when browsing social media all them them are zoomers and you don't relate to 'kids nowadays' anymore. Idols are debuting left and right and their  맏형 (oldest) is a 00's liner. I used to call everyone oppa and nowadays nobody is oppa anymore T^T

Being 23 is for me, personally, I start to live in the moment instead of waiting for anything to end. I don't look forward to my graduation, nor my semester breaks. I try to appreciate everything around me more. The weather, these friends, my room. Things that I will miss in the future. Recording every scene with my eyes to keep in my heart. When I'm old one day I'm going to close my eyes and remember that one random night where we cooked Nasi Ayam together and sang along to 'Lagu Jiwang' Spotify Playlist until 1 am and they called me Karaoke Queen. Another night I will remember we played Pictionary with Syafiah and Ahnaf and the Girls Team won. 

I learned not to count days anymore because in highschool we countdown days till SPM, making me feel like SPM is my life goal. 'When I finish SPM, I would be happy. I would do a lot of things when I'm older', I thought as I forget to take a good look of the people who were here for me; people who helped me throughout the journey. I was busy hating the school, I don't even remember why. Yeah, the kids were annoying, but I could've focused more on building relationship with people that matters. Do more fun stuff and not just stay in the dorm and study.

I wish I could relive my younger days and do all the things my younger immaure cowardly self couldn't do. Like joining a sportsclub or stand up for myself or confess to my crush. I wonder how things would've changed. Sometimes I dive too deep into the depths of my imagination and think of impossible things and then I hate myself for it. 

If you asked me a few years ago do I have regrets? I would've struggled to answer But now, being 23 and looking back, actually there are a lot of things I would've done differently or acted more maturely.

23 is also a year where I feel like I'm late in life, comparing my life with other people. My closest friend in Germany got married, most of my highschool friends already graduated, a lot of them already had successful businesses. Growing old is hard, growing up is even harder. 

sigh

But its okay, though. I'm content :)