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Thursday, July 20, 2023

love? ugh.

 I have utterly forgotten about this blog, have I. No posts for a year? wow.. 

Well, crowny, you wouldn't believe it. Since I started working, I've fallen in love TWO TIMES! Unbelievable! Well, not gonna lie.. it might be three times now.. my heart desperately wants it to work but my brain says i will end up broken hearted, just like every. single. time. And I believe my brain more, really. 

I also couldn't believe that my sisters are all grown up now. Both of them have boyfriends too, duh?? pretty and clever girls, who wouldn't wanna date them right? Truly happy for them but also, I'm feeling a bit of melancholy in my chest, being like.. I'm the eldest.. wasn't I suppose to experience it first? Is there something wrong with me? (there probably is, Maddy). 

Then I spiral into deep thoughts where I doubt myself again, over and over, questioning this and that. Criticising every single cell in my body. I spent so much time and money going to therapy sessions just to 'try' to love myself and learn to accept who I am but then I have these days where I'm just feeling miserable and cheerless. Do I have anything on me to love? I'm living perfectly fine on my own but why do I long for someone else? It's really embarrassing to think about. 

Welp, I guess I'll just have to update you when it happens. As a hopeless romantic, there is still an ever-blooming flower in my heart that keeps me hopeful that one day, she can rely on someone to water her soil and shower her with compliments. And one day, maybe one day, she wouldn't be alone anymore. 


Sunday, March 6, 2022

You live in our hearts.

 It was Nenek's birthday last Saturday. Even after her death, I still don't talk a lot to her. When I went to her grave I was just quiet, just like I always were. But I think my love and sincerity reaches her. She used to talk about me often. Every time we pass Ainsdale she said 'Nanti Ain beli rumah kat sini'. I hope she knows that I love her so much and maybe I am a little relieved that she doesn't feel pain anymore. I know it's agonising to go through dialysis every 2 days. Everytime she returned from the hospital she had more brusises than when she came. She also couldn't talk because of her trach and it hurt when she spoke.

Oh, yeah, a lot of things happened between this and the last post. I lost my Nenek forever. And my happy pill Pakteh, and my Mak. 

And because it was Nenek's birthday, I thought of those times again. When I was in Danial's room. We were gonna eat together when mom called me. When I heard the news I just said 'Why?' That's the burning question, isn't it? Why? Why did she leave us? I cried like I never did that day. Who would've thought. We hear about people dying all the time but never thought that it will happen to us. It will never happen to me. How arrogant was I. Bad things happen to everyone, especially me. 

It has been 7 months and I still cry thinking about them at night. I think everyone in my family has this deep hole as well but who can we even turn to? Every one of us is experiencing the same thing, actually even more. My grandfather lost his wife whom he was married to for 50 years, and 2 of his children. Inah became an orphan. Mak was her only parent. My mom lost her mom, her eldest sister and his only brother. It was hard for all of us and we still talk about them like they are here. 'Pakteh is scratching his head hearing me say this'. 'If Nenek was here she would scold you'. 'Put the things beside Mak's books'.

If I'm being honest, I wish it would continue forever. So that Pakteh, Nenek and Mak knows that they never left us. They live in our hearts as long as we breathe. I'll go to your graves and bring you flowers. Even though I never gave Pakteh flowers before. I wonder why I never thought of that. He would've really liked it. Well he likes everything we ever gave him, haha. I gave him a Stitch mug once, but he never used it because he likes it so much he just wanted to keep it. I even bought him a German Shirt to give him when I go back to Malaysia. But he never get to receive it... 

I miss you. I miss you that I feel literal pain in my chest. I wish I can hug you one last time because the last time I met you was more than 2 years ago. Pakteh's last words to me during a video call was 'Comellah Ain' :,) Now I only meet you in dreams. Still, thank you for letting me see you. Please visit me sometimes, okay? 

The house is very empty now. From seven now only left four. Nenek's bed in the middle of the living room, I bet my family cries every night on it. The house smells different now, too. Although it used to smell of medicine and pain, but it was comforting.

When I left to Germany, you know what my greatest fear is? It's losing my loved ones when I was far away and cannot do anything. It was my only fear. During Raya 2016, I prayed so hard to God, please don't let this be the my last Raya with all of my family members. But it was. That Raya will never happen again. We will never be whole again. 

The only bright side of this is I live while well knowing that my Nenek, Pakteh and Mak is in heaven. It became my main reason to go to heaven too. I want to meet them. I hope they are proud of me. Nenek, Pakteh, Mak! Ain dah graduate! And dah dapat kerja! Hehee. Satu hari nanti kita jumpa lagi tau. I love you.

Friday, July 2, 2021

German 5G Technology in my veins

Today, I am officially part of the 55.7% of the German population who has their first vaccination!! YAYY!!! Alhamdulillah!!

So, basically yesterday, the 1st of July, around 1pm, I was at Aimi and Iqa's room getting ready for our hangout in Munich later in the afternoon when suddenly all of our phones rang at the same time and it was an SMS! Sent by Impfzentrum Augsburg (Augsburg Vaccination Center) with some good news!! They notified us that we can now book an appointment for the first vaccination. We are all in Priority Group 4 (Picture 1 below), which is the last Priority Group, meaning we have no importance whatsoever, haha. We are not over 60 years old, no medical conditions, we don't work with kids or people, we are not medical staffs, police or fire brigade. People who match these descriptions belong in the 4th PG (including students like me!)

(Picture 1)
When we received the message, we were surprised and happy! But also panicked as we rushed to book an appointment with the Impfzentrum. The earliest appointment available was that very evening at 4pm but we already planned to go to Munich so we opted for the next day, 2nd of July. My appointment was at 11am, Aimi's at 10:30 and Iqa at 11:15. To my surprise, I was the only one who will receive Moderna and not Pfizer!! I was kindof disappointed, not because I don't trust the vaccine or anything, but because Pfizer is more popular! I want the one with the cool name! It was a childish thought, of course, because Moderna is just as functioning and reliable as Comirnaty BioNTech/Pfizer. I even thought of asking the doctors to change my vaccine, haha. (So glad I didn't)

So today, the moment we have all been waiting for, I woke up early, bathed, got ready and feeling refreshed and excited!! We went to the Impfzentrum by train and walked 16 minutes there (after getting lost for a while) and waited for our turn. I was lucky because I got to ride a cart to the main building instead of walking! 
After the vaccination, I just felt grateful that I am given the chance to be vaccinated. I know if I were in Malaysia right now, I probably would get a vaccine like next year, the earliest. I also made a video explaining more about the experince linked down below! 



Using vaccination as an excuse to eat my two pints of Ben&Jerrys.

That is all from me, see ya!!