Tuesday, May 17, 2016

AUSMAT is killing me

Well, hello there! Never thought I would leave this blog for FOUR solid months. WOW. I have been pretty busy. Well, not pretty, I mean UGLY busy. The ugliest busy I have ever dealt with. College hadn't been much fun, you know. It drained life out of me.
Homeworks weren't the only thing that we have to do, but also a heck lot of assessments and tests that carries marks for our whole program, which means, we can't afford to fail a thing. Well yeah, you might say I complain too much and whine about little things that every college students experience and my course might not be the hardest course whatsoever, but you know what, I don't care anymore. I just want to let it all out, so bear your ears.

Before First City University college, I have never felt so stressed in my entire life. And it's only the first semester. I think my tear sack (if there is such a thing, I'm not a biology student) has already dried. Actually, I think A-Levels is more difficult as they have more topics in their syllabus but what makes AUSMAT really stressful is, it has at least one exam every single week. We can't even rest on weekends. And I don't even know what enough sleep is anymore. Well, maybe it's my fault, not studying enough. Some of my genius friends can survive AUSMAT with enough sleep and rest. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am just not smart enough. I am never enough. My effort for SPM is much much less than that of for AUSMAT but in SPM, at least I understand all of the questions but this? I can't even understand the questions and what it wants. let alone answer it. I really miss the time when I was clever in Maths. Add Maths used to be fun. Now Specialist Maths? Don't even speak of it in front of me, please. Sometimes I wonder, if I can't handle this stress, what happens when I'm in Germany? The seniors did warn me about something like this, I never thought it would be this arduous.

Nearly to the end of the semester, the teachers crammed dozens of assessments in a month and that's the time when my brain wants to explode and everything starts to blur and I go blank during exams. None of us of course, likes or wants to fail. But I am failing all the time. And most importantly, I failed my parents and myself. Sometimes, things just happen, for instance, I remembered the differentiation formula (which every 17 y/o student knows by heart) and I have been memorising since secondary school and I even read it before the exam and you know what happened? I keyed in the wrong formula with one wrong sign and everything just falls apart and I just curl myself into a ball of failure. And there's this time when my very expensive CAS calculator suddenly didn't work, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MID YEAR EXAM. Sigh, It's okay. Well, it's not, but I'll pretend it's okay. Things happen, unfortunate things happen. What can I do about it. Can't dwell on the past, can I?

Whatever happens, I am just so grateful that I even have the chance to be in this course, struggling to study overseas. I know there are thousands of Malaysians who would want to trade places with me. I think I will just have to swallow it and let it eat myself from the inside.
Because sometimes stress is good and beneficial too. It creates the right inspiration to get me going and research showed that it strengthens my immune system! Thank God for that!
Things got worse as my one and only roommate got herself a boyfriend from the same class. Maybe not officially, but I still regard them as a couple. And you know what they say, when you are in a relationship, you have to choose either friend or your partner. You cannot possibly have time for both. So I lost a friend. And we rarely talk about things anymore. You can say, "that is just ONE friend, there are many more people in the class". (Fun fact, I only had less than 10 friends when I was in SMK KGV). Well yes, that's true but those are called classmates. And they are all boys! I have a few boy friends too, but you know, they are not the same. Boys don't accompany me eat lunch and dinner everyday. They don't go window shopping with me. They won't hear my cry and complaints. They won't lend me a shoulder to cry on.
But I got lucky. There is another girl in class that I feel I have a connection to. I am very grateful for her mere existence. Thank you for existing, Jie Yi.
Hallo! Ich hätte nie gedacht, dass ich meinen Blog für VIER feste Monate verlassen würde. BEEINDRUCKEND. Ich habe ziemlich viel zu tun. Hochschule macht nicht viel Spaß, weiß du. Es entwässert das Leben aus mir heraus.

Hausaufgaben waren nicht das einzige, was wir machen müssen, sondern auch viele Tests, die Marken für unser ganzes Programm trägt. Das bedeutet, dass wir nicht leisten können, eine Sache scheitern. Na ja, man könnte sagen, ich beklage mich zu viel und jammern über kleine Dinge, die jeder Student erfährt und meinen Kurs wäre nicht der schwierigste Kurs, aber ich will einfach alles raus zu lassen. Hält bitte aus.

Bevor ich First City University College besuche, fühle ich mich noch nie so gestresst in meinem ganzen Leben. Und es ist nur das erste Semester. Ich glaube, meine Tränensack (wenn es so etwas gibt, ich bin kein Biologiestudent) ist jetzt trocken. Eigentlich, denke ich A-Levels schwieriger ist, da sie mehr Themen in ihrem Lehrplan haben, aber was macht AUSMAT wirklich stressig ist, dass es zumindest eine Prüfung jede Woche hat. Wir können nicht einmal am Wochenende ausruhen. Und ich weiß jetzt doch nicht, was genug Schlaf ist. Vielleicht ist es meine Schuld, nicht genug studieren. Einige meiner Genie Freunde können AUSMAT mit genügend Schlaf und Ruhe überleben. Vielleicht ist es nur mich. Vielleicht bin ich einfach nicht schlau genug. Ich bin nie genug. Ich gebe weniger Mühe für SPM als für AUSMAT aber in SPM, zumindest verstehe ich alle Fragen, aber das? Ich kann die Fragen und was sie wollen nicht verstehen. Manchmal frage ich mich, wenn ich diesen Stress nicht umgehen kann, was passiert, wenn ich in Deutschland bin? Die Senioren haben mich gewarnt, aber ich hätte nie gedacht, dass es so stressig wäre.

Fast bis zum Ende des Semesters, vollgestopft die Lehrer Dutzende von Beurteilungen in einem Monat, und das ist meine Todpunkt. Mein Gehirn will explodieren, alles ist blass, und es fällt mir nichts ein. Na klar, keiner von uns, mag oder will durchfallen. Aber ich falle jedes mal durch. Ich bin eine Enttäuschung. Seufz, es ist okay. Na ja, es ist nicht, aber ich werde vortäuschen, dass es okay ist. Unverhofft kommt oft. Was kann ich dagegen tun. Kann nicht in der Vergangenheit leben, ne?

Was auch immer geschieht, ich bin einfach so dankbar, dass ich auch die Chance haben, in diesem Kurs zu sein, kämpfen, um im Ausland zu studieren. Ich weiß, es gibt Tausende von Malaysier, die dieser Chance haben möchten. Gott sei Dank!

3 <--I know it is zero:

nurul rasya said... [Reply to comment]

Good luck in your studies!

German language looks hard. Especially the pronunciation.

miss fifi said... [Reply to comment]

aww, you can do it! don't worry too much, they wouldn't have accepted you if they didn't think that you'd make it, just have faith in yourself! :)

Kaneki 태 Mardhiah said... [Reply to comment]