Suddenly this blog has become a place I vent my anger and sadness when the original purpose was to show people how amazing my life is by posting about my travels and how I celebrate Raya with my big happy family. Now it's just me. Me alone. Being miserable by myself. With only Allah by my side, I have nobody else. I have nobody to hug me when I need it. And I only talk to my cute plushies and I truly believe they undertsand me more than anyone else here does. Their eyes tell me to keep striving and they will always be here when I need a shoulder to cry on. This past week, so many things just happened to me, I mean, disappointing things have been happening to me constantly since I came here but, I don't know, I just feel like Allah just gives me one by one non-stop tests. And the physical test is also coming (my first sem exams). It's less than one month away but I still don't know how things work. I am still crawling, trying to pick up bits I missed in the lecture.
Also, I know that I am not a nice person, not a nice friend for anyone, I am, indeed despicable, and because I know that it's a fact, I avoid being a nuisance as much as I can. I avoid asking for help as much as I can. But I am just a human, no man is an island. Although I'm an introvert or whatever I still need humans to help me. I am not some kind of genius.
But that nuisance DNA is always here. People still dislike me, even when I don't understand what I do wrong. Is it the way I talk? Is it the way I look? All of em? Also, maybe I'm just too sensitive and emotional. I can't handle criticism. Maybe that's just how people talk, they sound annoyed but they're actually not? IDK.
I have been trying to make at least one good human friend when I come to Augsburg but all I have even now are those in Malaysia.
But still, I have plenty of non-human friends that made me keep at least a little jar of happiness in me, like snowflakes always kisses me in the morning on the way to school and ladybugs that visit me everyday and go home before dusk.
One friend said to me, 'all these tests, are God's way to make me stronger, because He knows, nobody can take care me except Him and myself.'
And my mother's words that never fail to bring me to tears whenever I think about it, 'Ingat Allah selalu ada dengan Ain' and I think that has been keeping me sane.
