Update

Well my latest post didn‘t age well. So here’s the result: I wasn’t selected as a member. When I first heard it from the ex-president, I thought, wow, THAT many people didn’t vote for me? I guess I’m a big loser. Even after asking everyone I know to vote for me, I still didn’t get the job. So I told a good friend of mine how sad I was and he said he was very sad for me. His choice of words, I don’t know felt like he was disheartened more than I was. And he said ‘politics is a dirty business :(´.

And even my own best friend said ‘I want to cry’. Surely, I was so touched, he even wanted to cry? Because people didn’t vote for me?

After begging someone from the inside to tell me what really happened, I sometimes wished I didn’t. When he told me the story, I was having a team building camp in Perak. I was in the bus on the way to some place at 8 pm.

He told me my votes weren’t low, in fact I was placed 7^th out of 13. My votes were even higher than the new president. Then why was I not selected as a committee?

“People did this to you. Your own batchmate that you call ‘friends’. They manipulated the votes. The old president told them ‘Here’s the ranking. Decide who’s who yourselves’. One batchmate insisted on making his friend (who was also nominated but got very few votes) a committee, vouching that he will be a better member than you; and I quote ‘you know how Mardhiah is, do you think she can do a good job?’”

English didn’t do this quote justice, let me tell you in Malay his words were ‘Kau tahu jelah Mardhiah tu cane. Kau rasa dia boleh buat kerja ke’

And so in that cold air-conditioned bus I felt warm tears on my cheeks as I look up at the starless night sky wondering where it all went wrong. What did I do wrong.

I was super excited wanting to take on new challenges, but the chance was taken away from me, from people who claimed to know me, know how I work. Sure, I did doubt myself, but I was ready to face anything because I thought I had my friends on my side. Turns out they were never there. I was alone all along.

So what was the election for? If everything was already planned, why hold an election? Why give me hope?

Before, I was embarrassed that I wasn’t good enough that people didn’t vote for me, but now I am sad. Very sad, deep deep in the sad hole. The fact that they chose to drop me, a friend that loves them as a friend, is appalling.

Is this the organization whose members were going to be Malaysia's next great leaders? People see them as this great beings who graduated from overseas but inside they are corrupt? If this small organisation can be corrupt, I can imagine the government filled with people like them. 
This organisation does not deserve me. 

I was also dejected to know that both my best friends knew but didn’t tell me. The only 2 people that I regard as my real friends in Germany. They ‘pity me too much to see me heartbroken if I know’. Yeah, I’m heartbroken alright. But hearing it first from someone else, that shit hurts differently.

Now I’m not only someone my batchmate mistreated, but also someone pathetic in the eyes of people who care about me. They see me as this pitiful baby bird too weak to hatch itself from the egg. Helpless. Incompetent.

But thank you, sincerely. I poured my heart out to you. Thank you for hearing. Thank you for comforting me and tried to protect me, thank you. I am blessed to have at least a few people in my life who are not trying to constantly bring me down. From the deepest cranny of my heart, I love you.