Down

 Sigh,

I know people change, and I hate to admit it, as much as I want to not change at all, be it my innocence or my moral compass, I changed too. And it's for the worse. 

For the last 4 years, nobody complimented me for reading so many books, for being so brave, or for being clever. Now I can't even associate myself with intelligence, because I am really convinced that my brain is smooth as silk. Not wrinkled whatsoever. They say the more wrinkled your brain is the cleverer you are right? But me? nahh I don't use my head anymore nowadays bruh. 

I'm appalled at the fact that I can't do math anymore. I forgot all about integration and Laplace Transformations and whatever else you study and I have 0 interests in them. If 15 year old me met 23 year old me, she wouldn't believe we're the same person. 23 year old me is mean and unfriendly, not to mention, she has bad skin too, ugh. 

Why am I suddenly writing this? Well, it's because I've been feeling useless for quite some time now. Since I started becoming a university student. Is being in Germany actually good or bad for me? For SEVEN FREAKING SEMESTERS I've done nothing but 'menunggang' group projects, waste time and gain weight. I don't even know how I got this far. I'm amazed at myself for succeeding in staying alive while doing the bare minimum. I am so scared that when I go back to Malaysia, these behaviours are going to stick with me. I don't wanna be who I am now. I hate who I am now. I want to change for the better too, but I am so so busy with everything that's going on, deadlines everywhere, I don't have time for anything. I just hope that everything passes and surely, someday, I'll come back to my senses.  

The terrifying 23

 Being in your early twenties, I think this is the part of life where you feel you're young and old at the same time. In the life spectrum if humans live averagely for 90 years, I'm only 25% there but when browsing social media all them them are zoomers and you don't relate to 'kids nowadays' anymore. Idols are debuting left and right and their  맏형 (oldest) is a 00's liner. I used to call everyone oppa and nowadays nobody is oppa anymore T^T

Being 23 is for me, personally, I start to live in the moment instead of waiting for anything to end. I don't look forward to my graduation, nor my semester breaks. I try to appreciate everything around me more. The weather, these friends, my room. Things that I will miss in the future. Recording every scene with my eyes to keep in my heart. When I'm old one day I'm going to close my eyes and remember that one random night where we cooked Nasi Ayam together and sang along to 'Lagu Jiwang' Spotify Playlist until 1 am and they called me Karaoke Queen. Another night I will remember we played Pictionary with Syafiah and Ahnaf and the Girls Team won. 

I learned not to count days anymore because in highschool we countdown days till SPM, making me feel like SPM is my life goal. 'When I finish SPM, I would be happy. I would do a lot of things when I'm older', I thought as I forget to take a good look of the people who were here for me; people who helped me throughout the journey. I was busy hating the school, I don't even remember why. Yeah, the kids were annoying, but I could've focused more on building relationship with people that matters. Do more fun stuff and not just stay in the dorm and study.

I wish I could relive my younger days and do all the things my younger immaure cowardly self couldn't do. Like joining a sportsclub or stand up for myself or confess to my crush. I wonder how things would've changed. Sometimes I dive too deep into the depths of my imagination and think of impossible things and then I hate myself for it. 

If you asked me a few years ago do I have regrets? I would've struggled to answer But now, being 23 and looking back, actually there are a lot of things I would've done differently or acted more maturely.

23 is also a year where I feel like I'm late in life, comparing my life with other people. My closest friend in Germany got married, most of my highschool friends already graduated, a lot of them already had successful businesses. Growing old is hard, growing up is even harder. 

sigh

But its okay, though. I'm content :)

Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun

I lost a grandparent for the first time today. I have thought about it happening for a looong long time but every time I push it back and say, no, it won't happen to me.

But it did. 

Who am I to say no to qada' and qadar. I pray that Allah prolongs all 4 of my grandparents lives every day. I'm scared to have that happen to me. 

I am very lucky to be born with all 4 grandparents still living. That itself is a huge blessing to me. But I know every soul must taste death. I just didn't know it would be this fast. The fact that I am so far away made it so much worse. I wish I could see him for one last time, be there with him when he's lowered in the grave. But that's all qada and qadar and I accept that. 

But I feel relieved knowing that my grandfather had been nothing but kind, strong and pious. I will miss your traditional house models made from skewers. You were a creative handy man. Your ears can't hear but your lips are always reciting zikir. Sometimes you write them down in cursive. I remember finding those books scattered around the house. Talking about the house, yeah, you even made that yourself. You used to have a basement, now it's the lower floor. Your joke made when I was 10 or 11 I still remember until today 'Antara Ain, Ya dan Atir ayah siapa paling muda?' It made totally no sense to me that time (until now even) maybe that is why I remembered it. Haha. Oh, in case you're wondering, the answer is Ain (me) bcs my father was the youngest when he had me. Honestly, the words I've said to you for all my life might've been less than 550 words. Adding to your hearing loss, it's quite hard for us to chat but I've always loved you the same. I pray that we meet again in Heaven, insya Allah. 

Semoga Allah menempatkan arwah tok abahku dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman

I think I have never said this to you: Ain sayang Atuk. 

Raya 2020 (saddest)

As all of you know, this year's Raya is not like any other in our lives. In fact, 2020 is totally cancelled. I don't wanna play anymore. Just skip me. How do I hack this year. From January the virus, to June racism. Things keep worsen exponentially.
All of us couldn't go anywhere this Raya, which defeats the purpose of Raya itself (ziarah menziarahi) and all we have is the ones close to us (or live nearby for my case). To a lot of others it's your family but to me, since I live 10 thousand km away from Malaysia, it's my friends. It is indeed the saddest Raya in our lives but I am glad at least I have a few people to share it with. Thank you for making my Raya bearable.

(I'm so in love with this picture you have no idea)

So we decided to have everyone cook one dish from start to finish and I'm in charge of Kuah Lodeh. Aimi cooks Rendang Ayam, Iqa Rendang Daging, Husni Kuah Kacang and Danial & Imran Nasi Impit and help everyone. We slept earliest at 3am  that night. Really living up to Suasana Hari Raya Song, 'Ketupat rendang sila nikmati kawan. Penat memasak malam ke pagi'

(I made this from scratch. I'm so proud of myself)

1st Syawal morning, I ironed my Baju Raya and went to Iqa's to settle for a good shawl style. We tried a lot of styles the day before and thank God I have one style that I find okay on me. Then like usual morning Eid prayers, and not as usual, live online khutbah by a government official.

(looking back at this I find it is not as okay as I thought I was lol)

So here are our Raya pictures:

(satin shawl girls)

Also made new friends! Apparently there are Malaysians living in the same building as me other than the ones I know. So, hi Syl and Hasif! #teamrayasilbermann #inijangkauanmasalampau

Jabatan Alam Sekitar Negeri Sembilan

My course in university (like every other universities in the world) demands that I have an 18 weeks internship. Ahha I felt like a soccer mom saying 18 weeks instead of 4 and a half months ahahah anyways.. I got recruited for this internship very very last minute after a few cup of tears, long story short, alhamdulillahhhhh!!

Just 2 weeks before the deadline, I got an offer letter from Department of Environment Negeri Sembilan or more known as Jabatan Alam Sekitar Negeri Sembilan, JASNS. It was one of the most precious experiences in my life. For the first time experiencing work life and guess what, it was not even half bad.

This is my first day of work picture.

It would be too long if I wrote every fun thing that happened while I was working at JAS so I will include the best ones here.

For introduction, for 18 weeks I was there, my I spent 12 of them with my one and only fellow intern, who is called Ayu. What a name. She was the first Ayu in my life. ahaha. And it was fun interning with her. After she left, a few more interns came but nobody can beat my first intern friend. (Also some were really weird so that was quite the experience)

We went hiking a lot. Apparently it was Hari Alam Sekitar Negara and it's a way to show appreciation to the nature.

We also went to a lot of meetings/workshop/conference at fancy hotels and ate delicious scrumpdidlyumpcious food. EHEHE

 Become an exhibitor,

 Celebrated my birthday,

 my family also surprised me at work T^T 

  Become a facilitator for a boy scout camp,

(Ayu & me became celeb for a day)

 the best part, went to a team building camp in Perak,

So yeah, that's it. It felt so fast. It ended before I knew. 많이 즐거웠어요. 소중한 기억으로 기억할게요.

Thank you to everyone who took care of me and were nice to me, especially Kak Haily, Kak Ain, Kak As, sisters from the admin department, and every JASNS staff.

Misc pictures aka felt cute might delete later: