love? ugh.

 I have utterly forgotten about this blog, have I. No posts for a year? wow.. 

Well, crowny, you wouldn't believe it. Since I started working, I've fallen in love TWO TIMES! Unbelievable! Well, not gonna lie.. it might be three times now.. my heart desperately wants it to work but my brain says i will end up broken hearted, just like every. single. time. And I believe my brain more, really. 

I also couldn't believe that my sisters are all grown up now. Both of them have boyfriends too, duh?? pretty and clever girls, who wouldn't wanna date them right? Truly happy for them but also, I'm feeling a bit of melancholy in my chest, being like.. I'm the eldest.. wasn't I suppose to experience it first? Is there something wrong with me? (there probably is, Maddy). 

Then I spiral into deep thoughts where I doubt myself again, over and over, questioning this and that. Criticising every single cell in my body. I spent so much time and money going to therapy sessions just to 'try' to love myself and learn to accept who I am but then I have these days where I'm just feeling miserable and cheerless. Do I have anything on me to love? I'm living perfectly fine on my own but why do I long for someone else? It's really embarrassing to think about. 

Welp, I guess I'll just have to update you when it happens. As a hopeless romantic, there is still an ever-blooming flower in my heart that keeps me hopeful that one day, she can rely on someone to water her soil and shower her with compliments. And one day, maybe one day, she wouldn't be alone anymore.