It was Nenek's birthday last Saturday. Even after her death, I still don't talk a lot to her. When I went to her grave I was just quiet, just like I always were. But I think my love and sincerity reaches her. She used to talk about me often. Every time we pass Ainsdale she said 'Nanti Ain beli rumah kat sini'. I hope she knows that I love her so much and maybe I am a little relieved that she doesn't feel pain anymore. I know it's agonising to go through dialysis every 2 days. Everytime she returned from the hospital she had more brusises than when she came. She also couldn't talk because of her trach and it hurt when she spoke.
Oh, yeah, a lot of things happened between this and the last post. I lost my Nenek forever. And my happy pill Pakteh, and my Mak.
And because it was Nenek's birthday, I thought of those times again. When I was in Danial's room. We were gonna eat together when mom called me. When I heard the news I just said 'Why?' That's the burning question, isn't it? Why? Why did she leave us? I cried like I never did that day. Who would've thought. We hear about people dying all the time but never thought that it will happen to us. It will never happen to me. How arrogant was I. Bad things happen to everyone, especially me.
It has been 7 months and I still cry thinking about them at night. I think everyone in my family has this deep hole as well but who can we even turn to? Every one of us is experiencing the same thing, actually even more. My grandfather lost his wife whom he was married to for 50 years, and 2 of his children. Inah became an orphan. Mak was her only parent. My mom lost her mom, her eldest sister and his only brother. It was hard for all of us and we still talk about them like they are here. 'Pakteh is scratching his head hearing me say this'. 'If Nenek was here she would scold you'. 'Put the things beside Mak's books'.
If I'm being honest, I wish it would continue forever. So that Pakteh, Nenek and Mak knows that they never left us. They live in our hearts as long as we breathe. I'll go to your graves and bring you flowers. Even though I never gave Pakteh flowers before. I wonder why I never thought of that. He would've really liked it. Well he likes everything we ever gave him, haha. I gave him a Stitch mug once, but he never used it because he likes it so much he just wanted to keep it. I even bought him a German Shirt to give him when I go back to Malaysia. But he never get to receive it...
I miss you. I miss you that I feel literal pain in my chest. I wish I can hug you one last time because the last time I met you was more than 2 years ago. Pakteh's last words to me during a video call was 'Comellah Ain' :,) Now I only meet you in dreams. Still, thank you for letting me see you. Please visit me sometimes, okay?
The house is very empty now. From seven now only left four. Nenek's bed in the middle of the living room, I bet my family cries every night on it. The house smells different now, too. Although it used to smell of medicine and pain, but it was comforting.
When I left to Germany, you know what my greatest fear is? It's losing my loved ones when I was far away and cannot do anything. It was my only fear. During Raya 2016, I prayed so hard to God, please don't let this be the my last Raya with all of my family members. But it was. That Raya will never happen again. We will never be whole again.
The only bright side of this is I live while well knowing that my Nenek, Pakteh and Mak is in heaven. It became my main reason to go to heaven too. I want to meet them. I hope they are proud of me. Nenek, Pakteh, Mak! Ain dah graduate! And dah dapat kerja! Hehee. Satu hari nanti kita jumpa lagi tau. I love you.
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