Down

 Sigh,

I know people change, and I hate to admit it, as much as I want to not change at all, be it my innocence or my moral compass, I changed too. And it's for the worse. 

For the last 4 years, nobody complimented me for reading so many books, for being so brave, or for being clever. Now I can't even associate myself with intelligence, because I am really convinced that my brain is smooth as silk. Not wrinkled whatsoever. They say the more wrinkled your brain is the cleverer you are right? But me? nahh I don't use my head anymore nowadays bruh. 

I'm appalled at the fact that I can't do math anymore. I forgot all about integration and Laplace Transformations and whatever else you study and I have 0 interests in them. If 15 year old me met 23 year old me, she wouldn't believe we're the same person. 23 year old me is mean and unfriendly, not to mention, she has bad skin too, ugh. 

Why am I suddenly writing this? Well, it's because I've been feeling useless for quite some time now. Since I started becoming a university student. Is being in Germany actually good or bad for me? For SEVEN FREAKING SEMESTERS I've done nothing but 'menunggang' group projects, waste time and gain weight. I don't even know how I got this far. I'm amazed at myself for succeeding in staying alive while doing the bare minimum. I am so scared that when I go back to Malaysia, these behaviours are going to stick with me. I don't wanna be who I am now. I hate who I am now. I want to change for the better too, but I am so so busy with everything that's going on, deadlines everywhere, I don't have time for anything. I just hope that everything passes and surely, someday, I'll come back to my senses.  

The terrifying 23

 Being in your early twenties, I think this is the part of life where you feel you're young and old at the same time. In the life spectrum if humans live averagely for 90 years, I'm only 25% there but when browsing social media all them them are zoomers and you don't relate to 'kids nowadays' anymore. Idols are debuting left and right and their  맏형 (oldest) is a 00's liner. I used to call everyone oppa and nowadays nobody is oppa anymore T^T

Being 23 is for me, personally, I start to live in the moment instead of waiting for anything to end. I don't look forward to my graduation, nor my semester breaks. I try to appreciate everything around me more. The weather, these friends, my room. Things that I will miss in the future. Recording every scene with my eyes to keep in my heart. When I'm old one day I'm going to close my eyes and remember that one random night where we cooked Nasi Ayam together and sang along to 'Lagu Jiwang' Spotify Playlist until 1 am and they called me Karaoke Queen. Another night I will remember we played Pictionary with Syafiah and Ahnaf and the Girls Team won. 

I learned not to count days anymore because in highschool we countdown days till SPM, making me feel like SPM is my life goal. 'When I finish SPM, I would be happy. I would do a lot of things when I'm older', I thought as I forget to take a good look of the people who were here for me; people who helped me throughout the journey. I was busy hating the school, I don't even remember why. Yeah, the kids were annoying, but I could've focused more on building relationship with people that matters. Do more fun stuff and not just stay in the dorm and study.

I wish I could relive my younger days and do all the things my younger immaure cowardly self couldn't do. Like joining a sportsclub or stand up for myself or confess to my crush. I wonder how things would've changed. Sometimes I dive too deep into the depths of my imagination and think of impossible things and then I hate myself for it. 

If you asked me a few years ago do I have regrets? I would've struggled to answer But now, being 23 and looking back, actually there are a lot of things I would've done differently or acted more maturely.

23 is also a year where I feel like I'm late in life, comparing my life with other people. My closest friend in Germany got married, most of my highschool friends already graduated, a lot of them already had successful businesses. Growing old is hard, growing up is even harder. 

sigh

But its okay, though. I'm content :)

Innalillahiwainnailaihirajiun

I lost a grandparent for the first time today. I have thought about it happening for a looong long time but every time I push it back and say, no, it won't happen to me.

But it did. 

Who am I to say no to qada' and qadar. I pray that Allah prolongs all 4 of my grandparents lives every day. I'm scared to have that happen to me. 

I am very lucky to be born with all 4 grandparents still living. That itself is a huge blessing to me. But I know every soul must taste death. I just didn't know it would be this fast. The fact that I am so far away made it so much worse. I wish I could see him for one last time, be there with him when he's lowered in the grave. But that's all qada and qadar and I accept that. 

But I feel relieved knowing that my grandfather had been nothing but kind, strong and pious. I will miss your traditional house models made from skewers. You were a creative handy man. Your ears can't hear but your lips are always reciting zikir. Sometimes you write them down in cursive. I remember finding those books scattered around the house. Talking about the house, yeah, you even made that yourself. You used to have a basement, now it's the lower floor. Your joke made when I was 10 or 11 I still remember until today 'Antara Ain, Ya dan Atir ayah siapa paling muda?' It made totally no sense to me that time (until now even) maybe that is why I remembered it. Haha. Oh, in case you're wondering, the answer is Ain (me) bcs my father was the youngest when he had me. Honestly, the words I've said to you for all my life might've been less than 550 words. Adding to your hearing loss, it's quite hard for us to chat but I've always loved you the same. I pray that we meet again in Heaven, insya Allah. 

Semoga Allah menempatkan arwah tok abahku dalam kalangan orang-orang yang beriman

I think I have never said this to you: Ain sayang Atuk.