Hmm

Suddenly this blog has become a place I vent my anger and sadness when the original purpose was to show people how amazing my life is by posting about my travels and how I celebrate Raya with my big happy family. Now it's just me. Me alone. Being miserable by myself. With only Allah by my side, I have nobody else. I have nobody to hug me when I need it. And I only talk to my cute plushies and I truly believe they undertsand me more than anyone else here does. Their eyes tell me to keep striving and they will always be here when I need a shoulder to cry on. This past week, so many things just happened to me, I mean, disappointing things have been happening to me constantly since I came here but, I don't know, I just feel like Allah just gives me one by one non-stop tests. And the physical test is also coming (my first sem exams). It's less than one month away but I still don't know how things work. I am still crawling, trying to pick up bits I missed in the lecture.
Also, I know that I am not a nice person, not a nice friend for anyone, I am, indeed despicable, and because I know that it's a fact, I avoid being a nuisance as much as I can. I avoid asking for help as much as I can. But I am just a human, no man is an island. Although I'm an introvert or whatever I still need humans to help me. I am not some kind of genius.
But that nuisance DNA is always here. People still dislike me, even when I don't understand what I do wrong. Is it the way I talk? Is it the way I look? All of em? Also, maybe I'm just too sensitive and emotional. I can't handle criticism. Maybe that's just how people talk, they sound annoyed but they're actually not? IDK.
 I have been trying to make at least one good human friend when I come to Augsburg but all I have even now are those in Malaysia.
But still, I have plenty of non-human friends that made me keep at least a little jar of happiness in me, like snowflakes always kisses me in the morning on the way to school and ladybugs that visit me everyday and go home before dusk.
One friend said to me, 'all these tests, are God's way to make me stronger, because He knows, nobody can take care me except Him and myself.'
And my mother's words that never fail to bring me to tears whenever I think about it, 'Ingat Allah selalu ada dengan Ain' and I think that has been keeping me sane.

Augsburg

Wie die Zeit vergeht. Time flies so fast that I am now finally entering university (other people are already in their 3rd Semester but it's okay haha). Well, it has been a month since I became an official student in Hochschule Augsburg (University of Applied Sciences Augsburg). People would've struggled with these 5 subjects that I take but crazy me added 2 more subjects to that burden which are chinese and korean. That was a stupid idea, I KNOW! But I just love these languages I can't give up on either of them. When I know my school offered these courses, I can't help but enroll. That is why I don't actually tell that to people bcs every person I tell it to, they have the 'you sure you're gonna make it?' face. Well, guess what, I don't know either. Haha. I will just try anyway.
Truthfully, I fell in love with Augsburg on the first day. Is it because it's pretty? Is it because it's serene? Or is it because I was warmly welcomed by a really nice girl? It's all of them! Most shops are just a walk away. And the best part is my apartment is just beside the HS. Score! It is such a small city, complete with everything the people need. I can rant on and on for 30 minutes about Augsburg but I'm not gonna do that now.
P/S: we have wifi on trams
Okay so other than that, I have been struggling with my german language. I thought I was good, but nooo i was 100 miles far from that. I did not. Understand. A word. I mean, I can understand a few words in the sentence but not the sentence as whole bcs my brain needs to work so fast and I am not yet capable of that. Despite that, I am still clinging onto my Malaysian friends haha. Actually not because I don't want to find German friends, but they are really tough cookies to crack. I don't really mind not having a lot of friends, I might just be nuisance to them, you know.  But of course I have a few that I can talk to though. And I think that's enough haha.
Lately I think I am infected by a disease called 'lazinossporosis'. On Thursday I was like 'I'm gonna make full use in these 2 days! I'm gonna learn Werkstofftechnik, watch educational youtube videos, learn back all the notes ... (2 minutes later).. clean my room, call my friends...
Actually me on weekends: Play sims and watch drama all day.
Me on Monday: (wailing) I SHOULDVE USED MY WEEKEND WISELY *cry cry cry*
Then repeat.
Yeah. That's the reality of my life.
So to close this post, here are some pictures

(Bcs i miss herrr)

(River flowing under the Cafeteria)

(At chuseok festival hehe)

20

Well, I'm 20 years old, Alhamdulillah, a few people remembered me :) I am 1000 times grateful for that. I'm grateful that I even crossed their minds. I never actually thought that I'm worth thinking about. Yesterday was my first time buying cake for myself XD. If my friends were here,  they would no doubt buy for me but too bad I'm so far away from all of em. My first experience spending my birthday completely alone wasn't as forlorn as it sounds. As a loner, asocial, and an introvert, it was in fact a healing moment. Yes I can't separate myself from a tinge of sadness that I have nobody to celebrate with, but when I think again,  why do people have to celebrate it anyway? I'm not a Nobel prize winner,  I'm not an idol, I dont give much impact to people's lives either. I shouldn't be a nuisance at least. Haha. I should get use to this feeling because I'll be having my next 5 birthdays alone too 😂😂😂. I'm quite proud of myself actually. Last two years, when my class suddenly stopped having birthday party's right before my birthday,  I cried a river lol. I expected to much of people and ended up disappointed without no good reason. My gratitude will never fade to the ones that did care. And also I want to say that it's totally okay to forget my birthday. I wish I can too, but you know.. I can't Hahaha. And I'm not being miserable. It's just a new side of me I never knew existed (maybe evolved?) I am also proud to say that I didnt cry today weeheeee. It's on the verge.  But it didnt burst XD I have been crying on my birthday for as long as I can remember and I want to stop being that sad girl. :)
So thank you again my dearies. I sincerely love you more than than myself. <3

Frankfurt and Eid

Soooo the first Raya without family. None. Zero. Not even one. Nuh-uh. Okay you get it. I'm pretty sad. Well, no, I am so overwhelmingly sad, that even when I had a few happy hours in Frankfurt with my friends, it is safe to say that this has been the most sorrowful Eid I have ever had in my life. Is worse to come? :,) well let's all wait and see because I am pretty sure that no Raya dates in the next 5 years collide with my Semester break which meannnnnsss there is a fat chance that I will be celebrating Raya with my family anytime soon. *cries cries* *screams* *bawling my eyes out*
Okay, sooo
nevertheless, I was very grateful that my package from Malaysia came :,). Mother sent exquisite Baju Raya(s) and all these other cool stuff from Malaysia like Maggi and Milo and instant ketupat and coconut milk and what's that you said? Those are normal everyday food that you can get from the store 5 minutes away from your house? Well in Germany, zhose are gems. Nein, more valuable zhan gems. Zhose are rare gemsssss (*laughs in german)
Okay sooo to make story short, I was terribly sad (yeah I said that a thousand times) and on the raya night, I tried to call my parents but they didnt have internet so the very very kind en. Syarqawi (JPA officer) lent me his phone and I called Malaysia and cried a Rhein river, (well I mean Donau river becuase Donau is longer than Rhein) and did I mention I was enveloped with gloom? Furthermore my grandmother was hospitalized (again) that raya dawn and I just heard these sweet voices of my mom, my father, grandfather, uncle, and all of those tears just can't stop. I used most of the liquid in my body to secrete it through my eyes and guess who had two big swollen eyesss. ME. So yeah, that is how it went. I hope my grandmother gains strength again. I hope she survives this battle. And I hope I will survive my battle, here in Germany, no matter how hard it will be, I just hope I make it.

Some raya pics

BTS FESTA 2017

Wow! It has been 4 successful years and believe it or not, I have been here the whole time. Its weird seeing their success in front of my eyes. 4 years ago they were nobodys who give out their concert posters to people on the street. They were listening to American artists for inspiration but now they have become inspiration (or should I say infirestion) themselves. It is amazing to see how much they have grown from babies to handsome men. I feel like a mother watching her 7 sons sprout and blossom into beautiful flowers. I have been here from the start, and I will be sure to be here till the end.
This is not typical of me to write about such things and it might sound immature, but Im doing it anyway.
Starting with the oldest Jin. The Hyung we love and respect. He is that one of a kind gentle boy who is tender and manly at the same time. He is very much like my brother, who likes things or colours that mostly girls would like, but not at all effeminate. Often has the least lines in a song. People might know him just as a 'visual' but he is very much more than that. He might not be the best dancer or singer, but he sure is one of the top. He is so underrated that sometimes it makes me sad, that he didnt get as much love as he deserve. This sometimes childish demeanor makes him  so cute and he looks as young as jungkook. XD
진 히메 사랑해요.
Namjoon-ie is the coolest leader ever. What can he not do? Intelligent, hardworking, poetic, kind, good in languages, he has em all. He also has to take care of his hyungs, although they are older. His lyric writing skill is AMAZING. BTS song lyrics really moved me such as Spinebreaker that talks about how kids are spending so much of their parents' money to buy 'trendy' clothes. No critics the school system that only stresses students. No more dreams tells us to think about what really do we want in life and does everything even matter? Change that talks about how he wishes the world is more just. Spring Day (my favourite) about the love of a friend who lives far away (also maybe in another world) AND MANY OTHERS (not to mention countless motivation songs). The love songs are innocent and that is what I really really like about them. Thank you Rapmon (and others) that made these beautiful lyrics. They are so beautiful that people (especially korean writers) regard them as literature.
Hosiekie is the sunshine. The one that brightens the whole room when he enters. He can fill the whole place with joy without much effort. Jhope is full of confidence that he can make ugly faces and still look pretty.
YOONGIIIII. Yoongi is also one of the underrated members of bts. He looks like an introvert who doesnt speak much and acts like an old man but we dont know what he went through when he was younger. He struggled through mental problems and thank goodness he is better now. Suga also has amazing rap talents and I am so proud of his mixtape! Even when he makes songs for other artists, those songs will rank no 1 in no time!
Jimin, ahhhhh this cutie mochi manggedeok. He is just so squishyyy i really want to squish his fluffy pau cheeks. My smol bean (although he is not really that small haha). Jimin is so modest, always complimenting others but didnt realise he worked very hard himself. His contempaorary dance skills are out of this world! I can hear his sweet voice all day everyday XD
Jungkookieee. THE Jungkook. Although there are probably millions of jungkooks in Korea, this jungkook is the most special one. THE golden maknae. Kookie can do anything. Singing, dancing, playing games, sports, literally everything. I believe he is sometimes more mature than his hyungs, Jin especially hahahaha. This boy just traps every female's hearts. (Older, younger, even mothers, lol)
Last but far from least, KIM TAEHYUNG 💓. The love of my life. His preferences be it music, fashion or whatever are always classy. Gucci boy loves kids. How cute is that! He likes to joke around and make silly faces. Haha. Well, I just love evrything about him.
Although Tae is my bias, I love every other member equally! Tae is just 0,1% more. Hehehe. With all the fame and success my boys receive, my selfish inner ARMY can't help but think 'I like the old times when there were just BTS and our small group of ARMY family.' I just hope those new fans (especially westerns) dont make dirty jokes about them because they are disgusting. We all should respect their relationship and even them in general.
Wow I talk too much. So yeahhh that's it! I hope I can go to a Bts concert/ fansign event one day (with Annie and my sister of course). Happy 4th Anniversary! I hope BTS Festa continues until the end of time! 안영! 방탄소년단 너무 사랑해요!

Day Trip to Maastricht

Our tutor brought us to Maastricht, which is near Germany's border. It didn't take long to travel there. And this is the first time I travelled outside Germany since I landed. Thank you Juliana and Jeff!

(I'm so short, wow)

봄날(Spring Day)

Yeah, I have to remind myself sometimes, that I can't just go home in the weekend.

everything just seems so near. Paris, London, Prague, Amsterdam and all of those places I have seen in books and the Internet is just one train ride away, you know. It is really too bad that I would need to travel for 24 hours to reach Malaysia but once I go back, I would want to stay for a very long time. Maybe the homesick cycle will start again, just like when I first reached here.
My brain is always full of words that I can't even speak properly in one language. How can people maintain 5 or more at the same time? I kind of want to type everything that's going on in my head without much thought, but nobody would be able to understand haih. So yeah, I've been to a few places in Germany. They're nice. Especially now that it's spring, flowers are blooming everywhere even on the train tracks and all along the path that I use to go to school. I should stop saying school because I'm already 20 but, ya, language school. I never knew flowers can make me happy. I have thought of them as a waste of money, you know, RM 40 for a few roses. You can't eat them, they can't talk. I even said to myself back then "If I ever have someone doing romantic things for me, I would'nt prefer flowers because it's such a waste" but when I first received a bouquet, I cried a river because I was so happy and touched, moreover, my own mother was the giver. And I still have some of the petals dried between the pages of the Quran.
So back to the flower story, gosh, I can't keep on track. Ya, so flowers are beautiful. Nature is so beautiful. I learn to appreciate that. Maybe I didn't know because I didn't spend much time in the forest back then. They are just so beautiful that you can here them screaming 'cheer up!' on a bad day. And not just flowers, the trees, snow, blueberries, beetles are just too cute not to smile at.

So here are a few places that I have been to:

 Bad Munstereifel

 Ludwig Museum

 Chocolate Museum

 Bonn

Brühl

 Dortmund

Königswinter

Maastricht, Netherlands

and a lot more, actually. The only EU country that I have been to (well disregarding the Heathrow Airport) is Netherlands, and ya, more to come! :)

Vielen Dank, ich schätze euch sehr, und ihr wisst das nie XD Ich freue mich darauf, neue nette Freunde an der FH anzufreunden. Ich hoffe, dass sie mich akzeptieren können TT
Schönen Tag noch! Bis dann!

Liebe Familie und Freunde,

I remembered sending off my seniors last year like it was yesterday. Here's the post. How time flies so fast that I can't even catch up with life. Is this happening? Is this really happening? Am I really going to Germany?
Now that I'm here, I still pinch myself sometimes to make sure this isn't a dream. People might think this is a nice dream, but is it? When I was a kid, I wrote a wish list on a piece of A4 paper. Number one, make my parents happy, and number 2 was studying abroad where snow falls. It was a wish I never even imagined would come true. Sure, I hoped but really being here? I think it's a miracle. Allah gave me a chance and I won't be a fool to waste it.
It wasn't even a day until I started to miss everyone. When will I go home? Can I bear this loneliness? Am I independent enough for this? What if I don't make it? I asked and thought of too many things that I don't even have the answers to.
I thought back about how my family did crazy things, like buying me crazy expensive stuff and saying crazy cheesy words. Everyday my mother asked me "what do you want to eat?". Without hesitation she bought everything I laid my eyes on. My grandfather brought me to Satay Stall. My sister used her one week allowance to buy me a present. My friends did everything they could.
I didn't want to cry when I come here. I don't want to feel homesick, not because I don't want to miss home, but I don't want to go though all this crying phase again. It pains me and I won't be able to do anything about it. Boarding school sure helped but look who's crying again, lol. Family and friends, thank you. I appreciated every single gesture and present. And I love you all.
When I arrived, it felt like -8 degrees Celsius. (although I never experienced -8). It felt like being in the freezer. I hate it already. Did I mention touching snow was number 3 on my wish list?
I dreamed winter to be a gentle pure white comfortable season but oh boy how wrong was I? It's ugly. It's slippery. It freezes. It freezes me and my heart. I'm numb all over. Despite all the hate towards winter, mother nature seemed to have a way of coaxing me. When snow fell, my heart becomes warm again. Looks like I have a soft spot for snow. The day snow falls, is the day I'm happy. Nothing can make me mad on a snowing day.
But I still hope for better days. This winter feels like forever. I hope time does its thing again, you know, flies so fast. Who knows, spring will come before I know  it. And who knows, with just a bit of patience, I will have semester break and set foot in Malaysia again :)
Please pray for me. I hope I don't fall or drift apart. I know that I am never alone. I know I can do this. I know I can.

 (so many showed up!)

 (For once, I felt like a celebrity)

 (I will buy this one day)

 (waiting at Heathrow, London)

 (these are damn good)

 (virgin snow)

I also lowkey appreciate JPA. Thank you.