there's no words that i can say to describe how grateful i am to have my man. he's my strength when im weak, my happiness when im down. when im emotionally and physically spent, he's my beacon of hope, my lifeline.
even when he himself has his hands full.
even when my own family turns on me.
at the end of the day, i only want him.
"thank you sayang for surviving on your own all these while"
i cried then and there. ive never loved someone so intensely
i want to marry you, my love, Aliff Aiman.
im lying down on a hospital bed, typing this. dont worry, im just here bcs my sister works here but all this free time made me miss my boyfriend.
we spent the time together yesterday for national boyfriend's day. i baked him a cheesecake and he loved it! "i can imagine we serve this in our cafe" he said. we dream to open a cafe together maybe after retirement. its a long way to go but im excited for that journey. i can see it in front of me. of us getting married in the most magical place surrounded by everyone we love (and those who passed in spirit). living together in a small cosy apartment. watching netflix on weekday nights and having long discussions of the movie. bearing children of our own.
After 9 months of being together i start to see him for who he is. he is thoughtful, hardworking, and he loves me very much. we could not imagine life without each other. we match each other's freaks. i love hearing him go on and on telling me stories from his childhood. he radiates warmth and his embrace is my home.
next year will be such a journey. bcs we will be planning our risik, engagement and wedding in the same year. well, i need to get married fast. so i can travel and go around the world with him without having to book extra rooms. blergh.
i love you sayang. and i cant wait for the day i am officially called your wife.
so.. i have a boyfriend now.. it has been 6 months and its the happiest ive ever been.
he treats me really well and i love him with all my heart.
oh my god my first boyfriend!!
all the laufey songs makes sense 🥹 and like a miracle he loves laufey too. and he puts it on when we'd like some romance air in the car and we drive through the evening. repeating and exchanging i love yous
dinie was jealous because she said she has to share me now which sounds so sad but its true :( ill try my best to give time for all of my loved ones hehe.
my bf and i did a lot together. i kinda wanna make a tiktok of us 'alphabet dating' like a- aquaria date, b-beach date etc.
i might even do it here tbh. excited to do it!!
here are some of my favourite no-face pictures of us
and i have had many struggles in my life.. but i think this year hits quite hard on me.
i guess maybe its the quarter life crisis hormones.. bcs i cant stop thinking and imagining about being loved.
im afraid however this struggle has chosen me.
i have to live with the fact that i might not be loved or receive romantic love ever..
its hard to wrap my head around it
when ive finally managed to embrace that im visually unfavourable, and now i have to embrace that im unlovable
bcs i thought if i were to ever have any ounce of charm in me, it would be my personality. but after countless failed 'talking stages'.. i guess its not? it's sad to realise i dont even have that in the bag. shattered my world view quite a bit. i know i didnt quite like how i look but i do like if someone behaves exactly like me. i would always wanna be my friend. but not everyone wants to be. maybe my real friends just tolerate me.
life is quite depressing isnt it
Will I meet you at a party?
Sit next to you on a plane?
I have utterly forgotten about this blog, have I. No posts for a year? wow..
Well, crowny, you wouldn't believe it. Since I started working, I've fallen in love TWO TIMES! Unbelievable! Well, not gonna lie.. it might be three times now.. my heart desperately wants it to work but my brain says i will end up broken hearted, just like every. single. time. And I believe my brain more, really.
I also couldn't believe that my sisters are all grown up now. Both of them have boyfriends too, duh?? pretty and clever girls, who wouldn't wanna date them right? Truly happy for them but also, I'm feeling a bit of melancholy in my chest, being like.. I'm the eldest.. wasn't I suppose to experience it first? Is there something wrong with me? (there probably is, Maddy).
Then I spiral into deep thoughts where I doubt myself again, over and over, questioning this and that. Criticising every single cell in my body. I spent so much time and money going to therapy sessions just to 'try' to love myself and learn to accept who I am but then I have these days where I'm just feeling miserable and cheerless. Do I have anything on me to love? I'm living perfectly fine on my own but why do I long for someone else? It's really embarrassing to think about.
Welp, I guess I'll just have to update you when it happens. As a hopeless romantic, there is still an ever-blooming flower in my heart that keeps me hopeful that one day, she can rely on someone to water her soil and shower her with compliments. And one day, maybe one day, she wouldn't be alone anymore.
It was Nenek's birthday last Saturday. Even after her death, I still don't talk a lot to her. When I went to her grave I was just quiet, just like I always were. But I think my love and sincerity reaches her. She used to talk about me often. Every time we pass Ainsdale she said 'Nanti Ain beli rumah kat sini'. I hope she knows that I love her so much and maybe I am a little relieved that she doesn't feel pain anymore. I know it's agonising to go through dialysis every 2 days. Everytime she returned from the hospital she had more brusises than when she came. She also couldn't talk because of her trach and it hurt when she spoke.
Oh, yeah, a lot of things happened between this and the last post. I lost my Nenek forever. And my happy pill Pakteh, and my Mak.
And because it was Nenek's birthday, I thought of those times again. When I was in Danial's room. We were gonna eat together when mom called me. When I heard the news I just said 'Why?' That's the burning question, isn't it? Why? Why did she leave us? I cried like I never did that day. Who would've thought. We hear about people dying all the time but never thought that it will happen to us. It will never happen to me. How arrogant was I. Bad things happen to everyone, especially me.
It has been 7 months and I still cry thinking about them at night. I think everyone in my family has this deep hole as well but who can we even turn to? Every one of us is experiencing the same thing, actually even more. My grandfather lost his wife whom he was married to for 50 years, and 2 of his children. Inah became an orphan. Mak was her only parent. My mom lost her mom, her eldest sister and his only brother. It was hard for all of us and we still talk about them like they are here. 'Pakteh is scratching his head hearing me say this'. 'If Nenek was here she would scold you'. 'Put the things beside Mak's books'.
If I'm being honest, I wish it would continue forever. So that Pakteh, Nenek and Mak knows that they never left us. They live in our hearts as long as we breathe. I'll go to your graves and bring you flowers. Even though I never gave Pakteh flowers before. I wonder why I never thought of that. He would've really liked it. Well he likes everything we ever gave him, haha. I gave him a Stitch mug once, but he never used it because he likes it so much he just wanted to keep it. I even bought him a German Shirt to give him when I go back to Malaysia. But he never get to receive it...
I miss you. I miss you that I feel literal pain in my chest. I wish I can hug you one last time because the last time I met you was more than 2 years ago. Pakteh's last words to me during a video call was 'Comellah Ain' :,) Now I only meet you in dreams. Still, thank you for letting me see you. Please visit me sometimes, okay?
The house is very empty now. From seven now only left four. Nenek's bed in the middle of the living room, I bet my family cries every night on it. The house smells different now, too. Although it used to smell of medicine and pain, but it was comforting.
When I left to Germany, you know what my greatest fear is? It's losing my loved ones when I was far away and cannot do anything. It was my only fear. During Raya 2016, I prayed so hard to God, please don't let this be the my last Raya with all of my family members. But it was. That Raya will never happen again. We will never be whole again.
The only bright side of this is I live while well knowing that my Nenek, Pakteh and Mak is in heaven. It became my main reason to go to heaven too. I want to meet them. I hope they are proud of me. Nenek, Pakteh, Mak! Ain dah graduate! And dah dapat kerja! Hehee. Satu hari nanti kita jumpa lagi tau. I love you.
So.. it's 2021 now huh? I'm 24 this year? Now I'm one of those people in their mid twenties and having a quarter life crisis. Oh my goddddd I hate this so much. Time is just, so mysterious. It heals all wound but at the same time injures. Oh how I wish it just stops for like idk.. a month? so that I can grasp everything that's in front of me. My life is now just a blur of faded memories. I'm so scared that 10 years from now I won't even remember this moment. I won't even remember what it feels like to live in Germany.
So I'm supposed to finish my Bachelors Degree in 2 months. Can you even believe that? It feels like just last year I flew to Germany for the first time (blog post here) now I'm almost finished? What have I gained for 4 years... hmm weight? 10 kilos of that for sure. German proficiency? Not so much :/ Friends? Lol, in my dreams. Hmm,. I have no idea. And I totally have no idea how I got here either. How did I pass all those exams? I just winged them honestly. Yet somehow God helped me pass them all. I'm not gonna be self-centered and say I worked hard for it. I did have a lot of hard times, sure, but my efforts are not even half of what my other classmates/ batchmates went through. I got lucky so many times, I really have to thank Allah for that. Now I want to do Masters?? Ahahaha what a joke 웃기고 있네.
It's just so sad that even when everything is okay, there's just this void feeling, this longing for the lost times. And I can't do anything except walk down memory lane. I know, it can't be helped. Life goes on. If it's gonna happen, it will happen, right? Not even one second late.
Hmm,.. que sera sera.
Sigh,
I know people change, and I hate to admit it, as much as I want to not change at all, be it my innocence or my moral compass, I changed too. And it's for the worse.
For the last 4 years, nobody complimented me for reading so many books, for being so brave, or for being clever. Now I can't even associate myself with intelligence, because I am really convinced that my brain is smooth as silk. Not wrinkled whatsoever. They say the more wrinkled your brain is the cleverer you are right? But me? nahh I don't use my head anymore nowadays bruh.
I'm appalled at the fact that I can't do math anymore. I forgot all about integration and Laplace Transformations and whatever else you study and I have 0 interests in them. If 15 year old me met 23 year old me, she wouldn't believe we're the same person. 23 year old me is mean and unfriendly, not to mention, she has bad skin too, ugh.
Why am I suddenly writing this? Well, it's because I've been feeling useless for quite some time now. Since I started becoming a university student. Is being in Germany actually good or bad for me? For SEVEN FREAKING SEMESTERS I've done nothing but 'menunggang' group projects, waste time and gain weight. I don't even know how I got this far. I'm amazed at myself for succeeding in staying alive while doing the bare minimum. I am so scared that when I go back to Malaysia, these behaviours are going to stick with me. I don't wanna be who I am now. I hate who I am now. I want to change for the better too, but I am so so busy with everything that's going on, deadlines everywhere, I don't have time for anything. I just hope that everything passes and surely, someday, I'll come back to my senses.
Being in your early twenties, I think this is the part of life where you feel you're young and old at the same time. In the life spectrum if humans live averagely for 90 years, I'm only 25% there but when browsing social media all them them are zoomers and you don't relate to 'kids nowadays' anymore. Idols are debuting left and right and their 맏형 (oldest) is a 00's liner. I used to call everyone oppa and nowadays nobody is oppa anymore T^T
Being 23 is for me, personally, I start to live in the moment instead of waiting for anything to end. I don't look forward to my graduation, nor my semester breaks. I try to appreciate everything around me more. The weather, these friends, my room. Things that I will miss in the future. Recording every scene with my eyes to keep in my heart. When I'm old one day I'm going to close my eyes and remember that one random night where we cooked Nasi Ayam together and sang along to 'Lagu Jiwang' Spotify Playlist until 1 am and they called me Karaoke Queen. Another night I will remember we played Pictionary with Syafiah and Ahnaf and the Girls Team won.
I learned not to count days anymore because in highschool we countdown days till SPM, making me feel like SPM is my life goal. 'When I finish SPM, I would be happy. I would do a lot of things when I'm older', I thought as I forget to take a good look of the people who were here for me; people who helped me throughout the journey. I was busy hating the school, I don't even remember why. Yeah, the kids were annoying, but I could've focused more on building relationship with people that matters. Do more fun stuff and not just stay in the dorm and study.
I wish I could relive my younger days and do all the things my younger immaure cowardly self couldn't do. Like joining a sportsclub or stand up for myself or confess to my crush. I wonder how things would've changed. Sometimes I dive too deep into the depths of my imagination and think of impossible things and then I hate myself for it.
If you asked me a few years ago do I have regrets? I would've struggled to answer But now, being 23 and looking back, actually there are a lot of things I would've done differently or acted more maturely.
23 is also a year where I feel like I'm late in life, comparing my life with other people. My closest friend in Germany got married, most of my highschool friends already graduated, a lot of them already had successful businesses. Growing old is hard, growing up is even harder.
sigh
But its okay, though. I'm content :)
